This Glorious Dissonance

This Glorious Dissonance

I have a theory. My theory is that truly wise people never plan on being quoted. They throw out words just like everyone else, expecting them to fall by the wayside, but instead, they fall on the ears of someone needing that exact truth.

Wednesday chapel. Midweek and I was already exhausted. The tissues falling out of my pockets were a brief distraction from the sleeplessness carried under my eyes. Maybe my physical sickness augmented how emotionally drained I felt, but I’m pretty sure I would still feel a twinge of broken heartedness anyway. I had relied on promises that were never meant to be made and was suffering the consequences. Icing on the cake- I was thinking about switching majors when I was supposed to be thinking about midterms. In short, I was done.

I sat as a mixed bundle of emotions and numbness. And like many times before in my life, God used one specific way to break through my numbness- music.

Andy Crouch was the guest speaker of chapel. But instead of walking up to the mic, he did a beautiful thing and walked over to the piano.

He touched the keys and Bach’s Prelude No. 1 in C Major flowed fourth. Some deep part of myself perked up. Each phrase was tender, seemingly playing itself as he spoke of the contrasting chords in the piece, sounding ugly until you viewed them in light of the whole prelude.

At one point he paused for a split second longer, and said something that hit my heart:

“In the context of this piece, even the dissonance is glorious.”

I don’t know if I’d ever used the word “glorious”. If anything, it was reserved for Sunday morning worship or perhaps in a prayer, proclaiming the attributes of God. Most definitely I had never used the word glorious in this way.

Glorious dissonance.

It’s not something I could define in a sentence. It may not have been something I could have identified until he said it. But I knew that I felt it. I still feel it. I’m still fighting some annoying bug, I’m anxious about losing friendships, and though I feel good about my midterms, two days of fall break have not revealed what I’m supposed to be doing with my life.

My life is steeped in dissonance.

Dissonance is fighting a constant battle. A battle for what will occupy my thoughts, what will take up my time, where I put my energy, my trust, my hope. It is feeling worried when I’m not working, yet exhausted when I am.

I was feeling the affects of this dissonance- badly. And maybe that’s why these words struck me. “Even the dissonance is glorious”.

“Look here, God,” I thought. “This Andy fella can say all kinds of fancy phrases about all kinds of things, but I want You to show me how all this junk can actually be redeemed.”

            And my ever-faithful God started working on my heart.

Glorious dissonance is rooted in knowing that you are small. Think about that for just a minute. I know a few hundred people, out of the billions that occupy this planet.

I can’t even remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday. Yet I think that I can construct every moment of my entire life out and it will run according to plan.

I fail every day. I fail my friends, my family, God, myself.

I take all of these factors into consideration and realize that I have no idea what I’m doing. Great. Just like I expected.

But what I failed to see before chapel that crisp Wednesday morning was that I am secure in that uncertain place. When I am drawn to my knees, my gaze is turned upward, and I see light that doesn’t come from myself. When I am brought low, I see that my smallness isn’t detrimental. My smallness gives me a wider lens, a grander view of the One who is in control.

And so dissonance is glorious. Because every piece of my life is currently being woven.
 I am an en route being with a hunger for home.
And when this world disappoints, when people hurt my heart, when the plans I’ve had to be a teacher since age three suddenly seem to change, I am reminded that I am not there yet. I am not home.

Yet God still works on me.

I am not taking up space and oxygen. The God of the universe is shaping me every moment of every day. I am a beloved mess of dissonance.

And that is glorious.

This Glorious Dissonance

The bow is posed

Waiting

For the heartbeat of a sign

A smile, a flicker

That this thing will begin

That all will be fine

Out of tune

And suddenly, the long hours

The calloused fingers

Are questioned

The upturn of a downbeat

Sweet reminder of insufficiency

Loss of control

To One who crafted the instrument.

The piece is unknown

The artist unspoken

But the elements align

In a beautiful way.